"You don't always need a plan. Sometimes you just need to breathe, trust, let go and see what happens. "
– Beau Taplin
I started DearYouLoveEm in 2010. I was just starting university and looking to take on a creative hobby whilst I buried my head in my psychology and commerce studies . The blog back in 2010 would be totally unrecognisable to the one you're currently reading today. The name was different, format was messy and photos were taken on my Nokia mobile. It was awful and my writing wasn't coherent, but I loved it. It was my little secret.
Move forward six years and it feels like a lot has changed. I finished university, I broke up with my boyfriend and went through what seemed like the worlds worst breakup, I moved out of home, I got a 'real' job and I'm doing everything I feel I can to be a successful twenty-something adult. I still have days where I want to eat pizza for breakfast, spend money on things I shouldn't but all on all, It's going okay. At least, it was going okay.
Last year was a sad year. The kind of heart-wrenching sad that makes you're heart heavy and your eyes sore. I lost my sister-in-law. She was in an accident and it was all very sudden. I remember that day like no-other and there was so much about that day and the days that followed that I'll always remember. It's taken me over a year to write about this, and even then I'm struggling with whether or not I should press publish. It still seems so very raw, sudden and tragic.
It was after her passing that my brother informed me that she used to be an avid reader of my 'secret' blog...
"She found your blog... I'm not sure how, but she used to really enjoy reading it. Wasn't she always so sneaky like that? "
It was after then that I thought regardless of what happened, what my priorities were and how busy life got, I would keep blogging. I would fight any writers block that came my way, I would fight my fear of not being good enough. I would do it for her.
At least, that was the plan.
Last year, months after the accident when the support slowly faded and everyone went back to their lives I realised I was struggling on my own. It's hard to say whether it was directly because of the passing of my sister-in-law, but I was quite simply a mess. That, mixed with the blogging world feeling different, contrived, robotic. I felt like I had zero originality and even less conviction. My passion was there, but I felt cold unable to believe in my own message. My blog took a back seat, and I needed time.
I suppose that takes us to today.
My blog is no longer private, there are people who know about it and that's okay. I am actually really proud of this piece of the internet. I'm happy that Amy used to enjoy reading it, I'm happy that I can still write and although I'm certainly not a writer by nature. I did it, I wrote something. I didn't give up.